Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Still waiting...patiently

Yes, I'm still waiting....I know... I know......truly I do (having walked this road before and knowing there is living proof of this sleeping peacefully in her bedroom upstairs) , that the reason I am still waiting is that my child is just not ready yet, my heart knows it and my brain knows it...but only sort of some days.

My dossier has now been in Kazakhstan for 1 year and 1 month (not that I'm counting) and has been in the region of Karaganda since the beginning of February, so 7 months. My agency is honest with me in that they have never promised me I would travel by X date and I do appreciate that as then I don't get my hopes up only to have them crushed when it does not happen.

However.....it is so very frustrating to read on the one chat group or another (why do I read these some days??!) things like "oh my file JUST went to the Ministry in Karaganda and I am anticipating travelling in September". My first thought is WHAT???? How is that possible??? This file went just now and mine has been there 7 months?? How can a file move that much more quickly through the system? Yes, logically I know there are some very specific reasons why, but some days my brain just has a really hard time with it!!! And yes today is one of them!

I'll be OK in a couple of days .....as I know when I see the pictures of these parents with their kids I'll think to myself "yep they were meant to be a family" but today I needed to just vent for a moment.

Thanks I feel better already.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A campin' we went.....

This past weekend was one Ciera was anticipating for weeks....everyday for the past 2 weeks I heard "are we going camping tomorrow?", it made me say many times to myself "why did I tell her so far ahead of time, have I not learnt my lesson on that yet???!!!!"

Ciera LOVES camping, her first camping trip (a one night experiment) a year after she was home (so at age 2 and a bit) did NOT go well, she hated sleeping anywhere that was not home, not to mention that it rained ALOT that night and our brand new tent leaked ALOT (my niece joked that it was a good thing our air mattress's could float), but that aside she did not really enjoy it. Flash forward to camping trip #2, she LOVED it....and a hopefully lifelong love of camping was born. (we got a different tent that does not leak!!)

For the past 3 years we have done what is now an annual weekend camping trip with some friends, there are 8 kids and 12 adults and we get 5 sites...the kids have a blast....it's different from home. When we are camping Ciera gets some relative freedom to run across the road and see friends, she knows she has to tell me where she is and she's pretty good about that now and I can rest easy knowing that there is at least one parent on whichever site she is on and I know they will look out for the kids, just as I do when they are with me. Ciera also LOVES to wash the dishes when we are camping.....she loves to make lots of bubbles....so much so that I am sure I tasted Dawn in my tea on Sunday morning, but I am certainly not going to discourage that behaviour! Sunday morning I started the dishes and she stopped playing and ran over to me and was quite ticked that I started them without her, one of the other moms was amazed when she heard Ciera say "but I wanted to do the dishes"

This year we also had a small "miracle", actually 2.....

1. it didn't rain
2. we didn't freeze

It was quite warm and it was a very nice change from sleeping in fleece, a sleeping bag and 3 blankets!!! We were able to get in the water at the lake and splash in the waves without running quickly for our towels to wrap around us when we got out.

It amazes me how a weekend of camping feels like a week away, I love the quiet and the calm of it....no where to go or be at a specific time, we eat at odd hours and whenever and it's just so very peaceful. I find I have to tell myself to walk slower as I find myself walking briskly to the playground or to get water.

My plan is that as the kids get older our big summer vacations will be camping...I want to drive out east....PEI, Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, Newfoundland, and as far west as I think we can handle on a drive!! I'd love to go north too and into the States. So loving camping will be a necessity...where else can you get accommodations for $35.00 a night with a spectacular view of what seems like a gazillion stars.

Ciera was so sad to come home on Sunday....she was very upset leaving Port Burwell she asked "can we go camping after swimming lessons tomorrow?" "no honey we can't mommy needs to go to work" she then said "but I love camping, it's so much more fun than daycare or high school" High school? Where on earth did that come from, she's only 5!!!!!

Let's hope that child # 2 enjoys it as much as child #1!!!!

Friday, July 9, 2010

These are the moments that matter

Ciera and I started a bedtime ritual awhile back, actually I think we started when my dad died and she did not want to fall asleep alone, where I lie in bed with her for awhile after we turn out the lights. We have some wonderful quiet talks there in the dark and this is the time when Ciera tells me things that might not otherwise come out...things like someone who pushed her down that day, or some perceived injustice in her world, talk about the baby....it's typically a nice down time and one I hope we continue for years to come.

We've had a rough past 10 days, first Ciera was sick with strep and just as she got better I came down with it and yesterday was my dad's birthday (our first without him), so our bedtime downtime has been a bit rushed and a bit sad.

Last night as we lay there we talked about poppa, Ciera asked "was nana poppa's wife?" I answered "yes honey she was" then she asked "was poppa nana's......" and she hesitated to find a word, for some reason I stopped myself from providing the word husband and Ciera says "prince?"....with tears streaming down my face I said "yes honey I think he was". I thought afterwards that it was interesting, Ciera knows the term husband but she chose to use prince.....and I quite like it poppa was nana's prince....sweet.


Tonight as we relaxed Ciera said "mom, I love you", I replied "I love you too sweetie" then she said "when I grow up I want you to live with me so you won't be lonely and have no one to play with", I thanked her and told her that was very sweet of her. Then she told me she wanted to live in our house, and that she would love me forever, even if she was angry at me. I tell her that all the time so I know where that came from but still to hear it back made me smile.

Ciera then sat up in bed and said "I have something I want to say to poppa...Happy birthday poppa", then as I glanced at her I noticed she had clasped her hands in prayer and she continued "Poppa........ I didn't want for you to die, I wanted you to stay alive at Nana's house....I didn't want you to die, I hope Jesus is taking care of you" and with that she said "mom can I sleep on you?", with tears in my eyes I said yes and she lay on top of me and as I stroked her hair she fell asleep and as I lay there with my daughter asleep on me I thought "These are the moments that matter, these are the moments I want to remember".